Guys, we’ve had a lot of fun so far, calling each other names, looking up terms we don’t dare let our parents find out about, collecting preposterous answers that will rattle around in our souls until we can’t bear the knowledge anymore…but now it’s time to get serious. I’m going to “rap” at you about some serious subjects: drugs, sex, black magic. It can all get a little intense, so if anybody’s not man enough to handle it even though there’s a Victoria’s Secret model waiting at the end to welcome you home, let me know now.
No? Good. Let’s boogie.
asian volleyball
Everybody loves volleyball. Anyone who pretends not to is probably thinking of dodgeball, which is like volleyball if it were fun, because it is a competition of speed, skill, and drilling the weak into the earth. But volleyball is not dodgeball, and that is why it is universally loved. It preys on none. It’s the most laid-back sport on earth, and the only one that’s a staple of both beach and barbecue.
But sometimes…sometimes that vicious tooth is bared in volleyball. And then, like the guy at the company picnic who treats softball victory like it counts for something, it is doubly brutal.
What this has to do with Asians, we don’t know. Hopefully butt stuff. Not because of the Asian part, but the volleyball part.
Probably led to:
Yay! Beach Volleyball Butts (and Then Some). A very old piece from the days when any ol” team of fun-loving cheerleaders could just storm the sands and twerk until volleyball happened. It was a magical year, 2012. Kids, you had to be there.
The rules to volleyball sure have changed since we were in school.
john constantine real life
Constantine’s creator, writer Alan Moore, claims to have met the guy in real life, just having seen him in a pub once and received a smirk and a wink. He also says he met the tulpa version in a magical trance. Writers! They say such fanciful things. Anyway, John Constantine is real, black magic surrounds you, and evils ye cannot ken threaten at all times to devour your soul. You have been warned. Doom! DOOM! DOOOOOOOOOM!
Probably led to:
R.I.P. John Constantine, our farewell to the long, long, long running flagship Vertigo title Hellblazer, as DC announced the aul boy would be leaving for the mainstream DC Comics universe, younger, sleeker, sexier, and informed by the other characters every five minutes that they didn’t trust him.
…okay.
Anyway, Constantine’s had a movie and a TV show, both of which did neither great nor bad, so it seems he can beguile anyone except real life audiences. You’ll always be enchanting to us, Sunny Jim.
Constantine’s at his most dangerous when he’s smoking and thinking; and he’s never not doing those.
ideal places to hide giant robots
There are more hiding spots than you think for your mecha, but the one thing you don’t want to do is stash them in your front yard. Despite the irresponsible messages imparted by Transformers (including trust Michael Bay to get you invested in the characters this one time only for the heroes to be the biggest jerks in the movie), it is virtually impossible to conceal a robot from your parents when it’s flush to the house. Parents are oblivious but not insensate. Trying to smuggle an entire team of two-story “bots is madness, nothing more than madness.
Not to mention what the neighbors will say. Probably something about how terrible Transformers was.
Probably led to:
The five Most Awesome Giant Robots Not In Pacific Rim. They weren’t in Transformers, we can tell you that.
Worship your destroyer!
unable to poo without smoking
Time for a conversation about your constipation consternation. It may be that you’ve trained yourself to meet certain pavlovian conditions. Or there may be a chemical condition. Regardless, this is a better problem to have than needing to poo whenever you smoke. Although that, in turn, would be a great way to quit smoking.
Probably led to:
Life After Smoking: A First-Hand Account, by the best kind of quitter, our own Luis Prada. Keep at it, Luis! Let us know how your poo is going! We worry so.
But you know who wins at everything? Rob McElhenney. That guy can’t make a wrong move.
if u do anle an the person farts can you gett hird dagree berns on your dick
Some of you probably think this is a stupid question. Well let us tell you about a little phenomenon called methanol fires.
Terrifying! Methanol burns without visible flames or smoke. Only Superman, Robocop, and the Predator can see where the fire is. Now what is methanol? Simple etymology tells us it’s a methane-based alcohol. Farts are methane. Alcohol causes farts. Therefore all farts are methanol. Logic: irrefutable.
So yes, it’s a very lucky thing that we aren’t all constantly on fire from the butt. Are invisible flames proof that sphincters are portals to hell? We’re not saying yes, but you’ve never seen hell, and you’ve never seen methanol flames, but you know both are there.
Probably led to:
The Most Common Embarrassing Medical Emergencies. It’s sadly free of butt infernos. And it won’t answer your questions. But it will make you wince while you laugh.
All will be made clear. It can’t be explained, but it will be made clear.
About your Victoria’s Secret model: Candice Swanepoel
Congratulations on making it through another frightening cross-section of the human psyche, even if it was your own. Truly this day you have earned the company of Candice Swanpoel:
When she was a child she was actually Candice Uglyducklingpoel. Life! It takes people strange places.
Ms. Swanepoel is from South Africa, the country that gave us Charlize Theron and the world’s scariest security videos. It’s exactly like the U.S., except with better odds of a carjacking–BUT! If you survive that, better odds of meeting a Theron or a Swanepoel.
She speaks three languages fluently whereas you struggle to speak one. But keep on trying! You’ll master Portugese and Afrikaans one day. She learned the former from her long-time Brazilian boyfriend, and that, friends, has got to be the sweetest teaching gig anybody ever landed: one-on-one over years while snuggling a five-year veteran of the Victoria’s Secret angels.
Or, y’know, Teach for America is probably rewarding too, in its way.
Follow her on Twitter & Instagram.
Brendan McGinley is editor round these parts when not writing comics or Cracked columns. You can say a neighborly hello to him on Twitter @BrendanMcGinley.
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Cameron Russell just sounds like the name of two or three Academy Award-winning directors.
